Some common questions about pornography and intimate relationships

Q: When I object to my boyfriend’s porn use, he says it’s my problem – that I’m just uptight and insecure.  This makes me feel even worse.  How can I get him to see that this is a real problem?

A: You can’t force your boyfriend to see that his porn use is a problem. His reaction is quite common. It often occurs when a porn user feels scared, threatened and/or ashamed of his porn use but is presently unwilling to take responsibility for his behavior. Stick to your guns. If his porn use is a problem for you—influencing how you feel about him and remaining with him–it automatically is a problem for the relationship. Don’t let his defensiveness make you doubt your true feelings and needs. Keep expressing yourself assertively and let him know that his porn use is continuing to make you unhappy and hurt the intimacy between the two of you.

Q. My partner told me he would quit using porn, but I don’t think he has.  I can’t stand the lying.  What can I do?

A: Secret porn use commonly destroys honesty and trust in a real life intimate relationship. Many intimate partners of porn users tell me that they live in a constant state of suspicion, wondering whether or not the porn use is continuing or getting worse.  That sense that you’re being lied to can make it very difficult for you to respect and feel close with your partner.

In general it’s a good idea to trust your feelings and instincts about what is going on. Let him know when you feel you’re getting a nonsensical, inconsistent, or strange explanation. Be clear with your partner about your limits and expectations concerning his behavior and porn use.  Spell out what you need from him in order to respect him and want to remain in an intimate relationship with him. For example, to rebuild credibility with you, he might agree to see a counselor, attend a 12-step recovery group, and/or take regular polygraph (lie detector) exams. Rebuilding trust takes time and a consistent commitment to changing behavior and being more emotionally open and honest.

Q. I’m worried that my husband’s porn use could affect our kids.  He says I’m being ridiculous.  Am I?

A: You are wise to want to protect your children from the possible negative influence of pornography. It is a potentially harmful and highly addictive product. Studies show that children are often upset and overwhelmed by contact with porn. If they get heavily involved with it themselves, they may encounter problems such as: irritability, anxiety, depression, social isolation, self-centeredness, sexual acting out, developing risky sexual interests, behavior problems, alienation from faith, damaged self-esteem, and more. Children who live in environments where there is a lot of porn and where a parent is regularly involved with it are at higher risk of developing a problem with porn, because porn use is modeled as acceptable. In addition, your husband’s contact with porn may cause him to pull back from involvement with his children, and fail to convey healthy ideas about sex, sex roles, physical attractiveness, and what are appropriate sexual boundaries and needs.

Whether or not your husband continues to use porn, you can help protect your children by providing them easy access to age-appropriate, accurate information about healthy sexuality, and by developing a relationship with them where they can comfortably talk with you about all kinds of sexual topics, including porn.  [For free posters on the hazards of porn and the difference between porn-sex and healthy sex, go to: http://www.healthysex.com/books.php#posters]

Q: I’ve just found out that my husband is using online porn. Everybody says that it’s “normal” but I’m very upset. Why do I feel so bad about this?

A: You are not alone in your reaction of being “very upset.” If we consider things like overeating, smoking cigarettes, and gambling, we know that just because a behavior has become popular in our society doesn’t mean it is healthy or good for us. Regular pornography use definitely has negative effects that often hurt and harm the intimate partner. Many intimate partners of porn users experience the porn involvement as a form of infidelity. When porn is turned to privately and secretly as a sexual outlet, it can essentially become “the other woman.” Intimate partners of porn users commonly report feeling traumatized, insulted, betrayed, abandoned, insecure, isolated, and powerless to change the situation.

Q:  My boyfriend wants to try some of the things he’s seen in pornography. These acts feel degrading to me.  Will he leave if I say no?  What should I do?

A: Don’t do anything sexually that doesn’t feel healthy and right for you. If you want to experience sex as an expression of love, then your sexual contact needs to be based on mutual respect, caring, safety, and satisfaction. In sex, you both need to feel comfortable about the sexual activities in which you are engaging. It doesn’t work to force yourself to participate in a sex act you find degrading out of fear of losing your partner. This strategy will ultimately backfire because you will be abandoning your emotional needs and sacrificing your self-worth. You could easily come to resent your partner.

Talk with your partner about sex and the goals you have for your sex life together. Discuss what sex means to each of you, what you want, and what behaviors are consistent with your values. Determine whether you have a match.  If he is extremely bent on you acting out scenes from porn, than he may be more into his porn fantasies than he is into you. If disagreements persist, consult a third party, such as a relationship therapist, a pastor, or a doctor. Professionals can help you better understand each other’s position and work together in developing a sex life together that respects personal integrity, limits and desires.

Q:  He says that I need to be more open to bringing porn into our sex life together.   Is he right?

A: What does he mean by bringing porn into your sex life together? Does this mean he wants you to watch porn with him, try out a sexual position he saw in porn, or act like a porn star?  Your feelings may differ depending on the specific nature of his request. While sexual exploration and experimenting can help keep a couple’s sex life interesting, this only works when the new sexual behaviors fit with each person’s values and preferences.

As a sex therapist, I don’t recommend using hardcore porn as a model for sexual interaction. Porn portrays sex unrealistically and without regard for emotional intimacy and personal safety. If you want to expand your sexual repertoire while enhancing your affection for each other, I recommend you find sexual enrichment videos and books produced by professional sexuality educators where sex is portrayed as self-nurturing and an expression of caring in a relationship. [You may want to consult the resources section in The Porn Trap for ideas.]

Q: Is porn addiction real?  Doesn’t the idea of addiction just let men off the hook for their porn use?

A: Though our society may quibble over terminology, the unfortunate truth is that people are encountering serious problems with pornography in which they have trouble getting away from it even when it has clearly begun negatively impacting their lives. Porn addiction falls into the category of “process addictions” in which a person becomes dependent on a mood altering behavior or activity. Other examples of process addictions are compulsive gambling, shopping, and eating. Studies have shown that process addictions cause changes in the brain similar to changes that occur when taking mood-altering drugs.

When a person is “addicted” to something, it’s not an excuse or a flattering term because it means that the substance (or activity) is presently controlling their lives. The term “porn addiction” has helped many people to understand that their symptoms are common and understandable, they are not alone, and that treatment and healing are possible.

A: How can I tell if my partner is addicted to porn?

Q: Signs of porn addiction include craving porn compulsively, not being able to control use (spending more time than planned, using when had decided not to), and not being able to quit porn despite experiencing serious negative consequences from use. Like people suffering from other addictions, people who are addictively using porn are often preoccupied with pornography by fantasizing about using it, planning contact with it, acquiring it, or using it to facilitate arousal and orgasm. Their involvement with porn interferes with their normal life. Like with drug use, frequent porn users often become “habituated” to it, needing increasing amounts of porn or more intense varieties of porn over time to get the same stimulating effect.

Intimate partners of porn addicts may notice changes in behavior such as: social isolation; unexplained absences and unaccounted time; late night or frequent non-work computer use; vague and nonsensical explanations for behavior; new and unusual sexual demands; lack of sexual interest and/or sexual functioning problems; and unexplained tiredness, irritability, anger, and/or depression. (For a more complete list, see p. 104 of The Porn Trap)

Q:  Should I leave him if he can’t or won’t stop using porn?

A: Ultimately, you need to answer this one yourself. Everybody’s situation is different. Porn users vary in terms of their ability to recognize that they have a serious problem with porn.  They may or may not be able to empathize with and validate their intimate partner’s feelings and needs. It can help for you to get very clear on what behaviors you can and can’t tolerate in a relationship. Whatever you do, don’t isolate. Take good care of yourself. Find people, such as a counselor, a support group, a friend, or a relative, with whom you can discuss your situation, brainstorm options, and decide what action to take.

—-

Wendy Maltz, LCSW, DST, is an internationally recognized author, psychotherapist, and certified diplomate sex therapist whose books include The Porn Trap: The Essential Guide to Overcoming Problems Caused by Pornography, The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse, Private Thoughts: Exploring the Power of Women’s Sexual Fantasies, and two award-winning poetry anthologies on healthy sexual intimacy, Intimate Kisses: The Poetry of Sexual Pleasure and Passionate Hearts: The Poetry of Sexual Love. Wendy is co-producer of the video, “Relearning Touch: Healing Techniques for Couples.” She is an experienced conference presenter and media guest. Her educational website www.HealthySex.com has numerous articles and free posters that assist in porn problem prevention and recovery.

Our Voices Matter is a website where women can share their stories of the harms pornography.